Dawn was just approaching, but the inside of my eyelids were already glowing red despite it being a cool morning in February. I was awake, but didn't want to open my eyes when my father tried to wake me up, and pretended to be asleep. I could hear familiar voices of my relatives from the other room, and I knew it that Ammu had gone. It was not unexpected, as she was bed ridden and her health had been deteriorating day by day. But it was difficult for me to believe that everything about her was just about to be consumed by fire.. her smile, the smell of cuticura talc on her body ..everything. I realized that my grandmother was no longer alive in this physical world. Placing a pinch of gingili seeds over globules of rice, till then, was something which I only saw it on movies, and now I had to perform it for her. Some seeds stuck stubbornly to my fingertips, though I tried to shake it off. I was pretty young then, and the incantations of death were trying my nerves. For a while, the feeling of fear eclipsed over grief before it took over again.

Death is often described as an uninvited visitor who comes in when least expected .. as a shock. Totally unexpected. It was to be so when I heard about Nebu's accident. Nebu Varghese and I were close friends though we had known each other only for a few years. It was a summer vacation and he had just completed his 10th std exams while I had given my 12th that year. He was a favorite in our gang of friends, and I still remember him handing over his cricket bat for us to play, just before taking leave to his native place in Thiruvalla. He said he would return in few days, but God had different plans.

When a person bids bye unexpectedly, he indeed leaves those close to him in deep grief. It is hard for everybody else too in some ways, because you are expected to put up with their grief. You are never too sure how to react at such times. You are never too sure whether you should for the time being let them be alone or be with them throughout. Would it be adding to their despair it you stuck around with them throughout expressing your sympathies? Would they want to be let alone at that moment? Or wouldn’t they?

And what happens after death? Is there a life after death?

In another perspective, is there death after all? Is it more like the next phase of our existence? Like one has just gone to a different world. Now, if we knew for certain about the continuity of life after death and that we would be meeting that person again in another world in due time, wouldn’t the fear of death descend a bit? But if the belief in life after death gets confirmed, would it not see the depreciation of love and kindness towards one another, and wouldn’t one take things for granted? Too many questions.

Millions set out of their homes every morning unsure whether they would return safe by the evening. And millions go to bed at night unsure whether they would wake up to see the next sunrise. I don’t suppose God maintains a list of people who are not to be invited to his kingdom! No one is an exception. The only suspense is "time". It might sound weird, but I wonder how it would have been if we knew beforehand our scheduled time of death, right at the time of our birth! In that case, nothing in this world would have evoked an interest, and life would have been so dull. The element of “hope” wouldn’t have existed. That the book has been kept strictly confidential, not disclosing too much info to us humans, gives us an opportunity to realize that life is a gift. Gives us an opportunity to live in hope, and an opportunity to enjoy our lives to the fullest – howmuchsoever brief the period may be.

I suppose one can call the phenomenon of death as the only reality show where everyone enters the next stage-- a stage where physical elements are absent. And what happens in that stage, only the ‘judge’ knows. Or perhaps you could say death is a loyal companion, which follows us right from the time of our birth. A companion who reminds us that life shouldn’t be taken for granted. Or a teacher who teaches us to appreciate every single moment we get to live in this world. Death is a phenomenon which shows that LIFE is a gift.

Perhaps at the moment, reading this blog, with a rise smile on his face God might be telling to himself ‘Dear Balu, your time has also been marked in MY blog!’

And if he indeed is reading this blog, I only have a single prayer :-

Please let our loved ones remain for some more time on this beautiful world you have created for us to live in, and let their lives continue to inspire us.

- Balu